But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
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Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck