son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
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*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Lmao
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure