I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
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I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts