Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
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I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
emergency phone
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
We need to put an American base on the sun
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad