I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
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Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Noah
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle