Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
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I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*