WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
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[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
when someone rings the doorbell
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees