Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
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Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.