I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
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To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
so much to do
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one