how many bears make up a bear minimum
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Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.