Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
You Might Also Like
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Smells like a challenge to me
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Something Saturday.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”