I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
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Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
oppen heimer style lol
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.