Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
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Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Tell me you get it…🤣
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.