I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
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Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place