ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
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inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
And that about sums it up.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Cannot stop laughing at this
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.