Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
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[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble