them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
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[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.