[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
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My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..