Spam popsicles.
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Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Print is alive and well!!!
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.