Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
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I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
These work great until they don’t.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.