just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
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interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.