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Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I know this now 😂
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy