Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
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Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.