You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
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TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
12. I think about this all the damn time
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Sharon I have some bad news
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”