my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
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Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women