mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
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Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
beware of dog
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system