Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
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Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Worlds greatest photobomb
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?