I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
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This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I put the p in pants.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*