I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.