I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
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I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
New tinder profile pic
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.