Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
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What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.