I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
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neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready