I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
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What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her