Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
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Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Breaking news:
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant