If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
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My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.