The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
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“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.