The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options