*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
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My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
a fate I wish upon no one
I am crying
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
they really do be looking like this
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.