I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
You Might Also Like
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Check out the legs on this baby
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner