“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
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Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan