*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
You Might Also Like
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!