Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
You Might Also Like
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you