Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
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I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.