we did it you guys we saved daylight
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Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical