Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
SCARY COSTUME
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
This is my bus stop.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!