Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
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Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter