I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
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If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a