He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
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‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
😅🤣😂
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac