The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
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I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Mission: Impossible
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Guantanamo Bae
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.