A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
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“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Webb. James Webb.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah